Crystal Wings

Things change, time flies. And so do I.

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Location: Sydney, New South Wales, Australia

About me. Well, I COULD lie and make things interesting, or I COULD tell you the truth and let you decide, but i'd rather you just form your own opinions.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Sin

Trust one of my oldest friends to smack me in the nose. Thank you very much Moon Liang. I've given things a little thought, and I suppose I write for peace of mind. There's something comforting about knowing where your head is at. There's some small measure of reassurance when you know where your thoughts lie, in disarray or not.

Sometimes I wonder about the direction my life seems to be taking me. Or more accurately, me it. It's a classic example of the blind leading the blind. I have no idea where i'll end up tomorrow. How i'll feel tomorrow. Even though the promise of sleep already weighs heavily on my eyelids, tomorrow still seems so far away. Will things change tomorrow? Probably not. Will I stop feeling like i'm missing something? Definitely not. Still, there's the offchance that something might change. There's the remote possibility that i'll wake up tomorrow to discover that my life was just a long, bittersweet dream. Fat chance.

I feel so tired.
I miss my best friend.
I miss the hurt I felt when I was around her.
At least the pain was something tangible. Something that filled the void.
I'd rather be bleeding inside than empty.

I had to fight myself again today. I think there's a certain irony in which Sin begets more Sin. It's like a snowball rolling down a steep incline, picking up speed, more snow, building onto itself until finally it crashes into you (that part is called Guilt). Doing the right thing, on the other hand, is like rolling a heavy boulder up that same incline. You wonder if its worth it every step of the way. Of course it is, you reassure yourself. You just put one foot in front of the other and before you know it, its over.

That's all i've been doing lately. Putting one foot in front of the other. I'm tired and i'm lonely, but where I am today isn't where I was yesterday. That tiny fact alone comforts me in a way I hope you never have to know. One more step. Come tomorrow things will be a little easier. Fasting always helps me maintain a sort of calm i'd be hard pressed to find any other time of the year. Maybe it's the act of Faith, maybe its the lack of energy, maybe its just the hunger taking my focus away from petty issues. Its probably all of the above. Doesn't really matter what it is exactly.

All I know is that i'm finding pieces of me every step I take. And every day that passes is a blessing. And every night I go to bed knowing that i'm that much more whole.

Whole.

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